Day 27

I have decided that what I want to do with the rest of my life, which is probably another 38 years, is to study more and to shop less, to be healthy, and to keep writing.

I watched two German films: “Er ist Wieder Da” and “Im Labyrinth des Schweigens”. The film-makers of these films seemed to try to remind people to remember the mistakes Germany made. They tried to make people remember it was the people who chose Hitler to lead the nation. Admitting one’s mistakes takes courage, but it is the most important thing because only then one can learn to make a different choice.

It is also a reason why I find keeping a journal helpful: I can see the pattern of my thoughts in writing. By analysis, I could be able to predict my future actions, and (hopefully) change my future by altering my behavior.

But what do I want to do with my life? If I could do whatever I want in the world, I would want to write well.


I actually wondered if I am doing all these seemingly intellectual kinds of study because I want admiration from intelligent-looking males. But I realised I was interested in the subjects before I met those men. I only have the desire to understand.

This is what I get so far: “I am human; therefore, I do all these meaningless things. Then I try to make meaning for the meaningless things I do.” But that sounds too negative, so let’s forget what I said. How about “My life has meaning and everything is a miracle.”?

I just think I feel the most comfortable in a philosophy seminar. I am interested in it enough to be enthusiastic about it.

Life is not that complicated. Nothing is complicated if one knows what people want. The character’s desire is what creates the story.

What do I want? Sometimes I want to be a published author, but sometimes I am happy just to write. Sometimes I am happy just to read and think. The fact is, I don’t know what I want. I remember a stylist at a salon in Chinatown told me something like, “You have to know what you want!” Not that I want to, but I think I have a talent to frustrate people.