Eventually I started to think that I should give up writing because I realize that I live in my head most of the time. I feel this way so much so that I can’t describe what’s surrounding me and what I write are mostly thoughts. I really don’t have the ability to see things and describe them and show them, and I don’t know if I care to show them or not.
But the good thing is I think I have found out what I wanted to say in my story. It’s what I once read in the astrology reading: “Sometimes the ego cannot win.” The unconscious is powerful and it explains human behavior. I want to acknowledge its presence and the force of the unconscious with my story.
My problem is that my writing doesn’t have the kind of things that good writings require and I doubt if I will ever have it because of my personality. But in any case, I find the effort in trying to share one’s knowledge to be a rewarding learning experience.
Writing is self-empowerment for me when I pay attention to my subconscious. Maybe the subconscious is like a wellspring of imagination, or a place where the mind goes to get ideas and recharge. A scientific explanation for how neutrons and chemical activities in the brain relate to creativity should also be available (although it’s all very fuzzy to me).
If I just let myself write, I feel I can be myself, and my world seems to fall into place. I feel centered and focused, and I feel I can get through difficult times in life, but sometimes I feel I should get a job because everyone has a job, and I don’t feel writing is what I should be doing because it doesn’t support my financial independence.
Maybe I will only know whether it’s true that I shouldn’t work at a job I don’t like only when I have the experience, except the logic is far from the point. I can never experience everything, and doing what one cares about is a necessity of living. My desire to write well serves as a motivation for me to discipline myself. I am happy when I like what I write sincerely.
Yesterday I skipped writing and it felt so weird. I want to write double today. Will I ever finish the story? I don’t know how my application for a part-time job at a clothing store will turn out, but I think I should stick to my writing. If I don’t write, I can’t keep my mind focused. When I imagine myself working at the shop, I only see myself daydreaming like a zombie. I hope someday I can make money from writing, but all this uncertainty about being a successful writer only serves to make me feel more insecure.
The only thing I am certain about is I don’t want to give up writing yet. But whom should I write for? Do I want to write for my mom? It’s hard because I worry what she’ll think about my writing. Maybe I should write for my friends because I cherish my friendships, even though I don’t know if they care about my writing or not. My kids??? Well, I guess I’ll just write for myself. If I enjoy my writing, someone else might too. If nobody else enjoys it, at least one person on planet earth would.