I want to write 500 words a day. I don’t want to write about One because sex is all there is between us. It is not a bad thing though because it is very simple. Of course I realized that without sex, One and I would not have a relationship. It is obvious that the only reason we are still in a relationship is because the sex is so good. But then I realized that that is actually not how the relationship works, at least for my part. Because if it is all about sex, then why I don’t try to contact him? If it is what I want, then why don’t I do what we have agreed to do, which is taking turns to decide on the date to see each other? Okay I want to write about power struggles.
Somehow I want One to ask me to see him and take the initiative because, it makes me feel he needs me and he obeys me. It makes me feel I am more powerful than him. I want to be the one who controls the mind of the other. Although I thought I was trying to be kind by letting him decide whether he wants to do it or not, but the truth is I want no responsibility. Maybe that’s why I don’t take the initiative to contact him even though I want to see him quite badly.
Then I thought about what happened to me and Five. I thought I stopped loving him on that day that I discovered a girl in his apartment. I guess my heart for him died that day but I just didn’t realize I can’t love him anymore. I mean, I don’t know how to love a person more the way I had loved him, but there was this girl. Of course he told me that nothing had happened between them, but my heart died that day and that’s what’s happened between me and him.
If I forgive Five and trust him again, would I have done what I had done? I don’t know, but I had done what I had done. I have cheated on him and I am still (semi-openly) cheating on him. Then the question comes down to, do I love a person whom I have been cheating on? Probably not? So I told him that I want out, but he wouldn’t do it for the kids, or at least that’s what he said.
One is not the person I love, but only a person that happens to be the catalyst to help me identify my problem with Five. There is no sex nor love between me and Five because everything died on the day I saw that girl in his room, and One has helped me to see that. But I have grown tired of power struggles; they give me headaches, so now I let them do whatever they want as long as they leave me alone.
Well it’s not all about sex.