Yesterday I didn’t study as much as I wanted to. I want to study for 2 hours daily, but I only studied for 1 hour. Well it can’t be helped. I will just try to study for two hours today.
I chatted with someone last night and I feel I am done with men. So most guys (married or single) want to have sexual relationships with women. That is like their goal. Women want to have sex too, but women are pickier than men because I think it is our biological makeup from evolution. So I was talking with this guy who told me the same thing that my sex buddy said, “I love my wife very much!” “My wife loves me very much!” “But I have sexual needs.” According to him, his wife is very traditional. He would not mind if she cheated on him as long as he doesn’t know about it. But since she is very traditional, she is not going to cheat on him.
So he is trying to find another woman. It makes sense that he is in love with wife and he just tries to find another person to fulfill his biological needs. He thinks he is being fair to her in the sense that he loves her the same with or without another woman. His love for his wife is exclusive. For him, then love is separate in the body and in the mind. One can be in love or being attached to someone because he and his loved one share the same value, but since one’s body has needs to be satisfied, having sex with another person does not involve love, but perhaps some affection.
All is understood, but the problem is, when I asked him, what if she cheats on him? Can he take it? And he said, he is okay with it as long as he doesn’t finds out. Then I asked, so he is okay with both of them doing their own thing (seeing someone else without having the married partner know about it)? Then he said his wife is traditional so she is not going to fool around. So basically he is saying that it’s okay for him to fool around and having sex with other people but he doesn’t think his wife will fool around with other men. “Some women are sexually open-minded.”
He expects himself to find someone, any woman who is open to sex and finds him attractive. But my question is, if he is looking for any person who he can find or who is attractive enough for him to want to have sex with, then what is the reason for a person to choose him out of others? It’s like choosing a watermelon: if you choose a watermelon out of a lot of watermelons, what makes you choose that particular one? I guess sometimes I choose in random, but having sex with another person is not like choosing a watermelon.
So I told him, “What a happy couple you are” and I am not the one he is looking for.
Loving one’s self is better than expecting to be loved by someone else.
What is love? Is it attention? Is it caring? Is it some kind of emotional connection? I realized that I have been looking for love or romantic feelings all my life. But what is love? When I loved someone, I thought that particular person was the last person I would love until I die. But apparently it is not true because I am not dead, yet I am out of love with that person.
If the object of love is not unchanging for eternity, there is no exclusive love. Love is the experience in a particular time and space, which the experience increases as I grow. There is an ideal of love, but the experience of love will always change. There are many exclusive experiences of love, but love is not exclusive. The object is special in the sense that the object is not universal: a person can’t just fall in love with everyone. Or is it possible?
Expecting someone to love me but I am always disappointed by that expectation. It is like wanting a cotton candy made of cloud. The cotton candy is very attractive and alluring, but the cloud disappears by the winds and it is only moisture in the air. That’s what romantic love seems to be; it is an appearance that I would like it to be real when it is not.
The romantic feeling is intimate and makes me feel that I’ve lost. I cease to exist and it makes me free. The freedom from losing my ego is why I want to be in love. When I am totally obsorbed in an activity or a relationship, I feel free from all the worries in the world and yes, good sex makes selfish people.
Perhaps I sound too rational, but I speak from my experiences of being someone falling in an out of love too easily. I would like to mention the chemical reactions in one’s body when someone is in love, but I am not as competent as I would like to be. My point is, I think love is like believing in Santa Claus: if you want to believe, then it exists. Now I start to sound pessimistic, but that is not my intention. My intention is to understand that love is a feeling from the desire of attachment.
If I don’t desire attachment, I cannot experience love. But as a human being, I desire attachment, for it is in my nature as a social animal. Therefore, I cannot avoid the experience of love. There is nothing else to be understood other than love being a natural phenomenon. I wanted to love and to be loved and thought that when there was a chance to experience romantic love, it was always worth a try because life without something to look forward to is just not fun, until I realize that I can never make myself believe. And all we have is now.
I want to write 500 words a day. I don’t want to write about One because sex is all there is between us. It is not a bad thing though because it is very simple. Of course I realized that without sex, One and I would not have a relationship. It is obvious that the only reason we are still in a relationship is because the sex is so good. But then I realized that that is actually not how the relationship works, at least for my part. Because if it is all about sex, then why I don’t try to contact him? If it is what I want, then why don’t I do what we have agreed to do, which is taking turns to decide on the date to see each other? Okay I want to write about power struggles.
Somehow I want One to ask me to see him and take the initiative because, it makes me feel he needs me and he obeys me. It makes me feel I am more powerful than him. I want to be the one who controls the mind of the other. Although I thought I was trying to be kind by letting him decide whether he wants to do it or not, but the truth is I want no responsibility. Maybe that’s why I don’t take the initiative to contact him even though I want to see him quite badly.
Then I thought about what happened to me and Five. I thought I stopped loving him on that day that I discovered a girl in his apartment. I guess my heart for him died that day but I just didn’t realize I can’t love him anymore. I mean, I don’t know how to love a person more the way I had loved him, but there was this girl. Of course he told me that nothing had happened between them, but my heart died that day and that’s what’s happened between me and him.
If I forgive Five and trust him again, would I have done what I had done? I don’t know, but I had done what I had done. I have cheated on him and I am still (semi-openly) cheating on him. Then the question comes down to, do I love a person whom I have been cheating on? Probably not? So I told him that I want out, but he wouldn’t do it for the kids, or at least that’s what he said.
One is not the person I love, but only a person that happens to be the catalyst to help me identify my problem with Five. There is no sex nor love between me and Five because everything died on the day I saw that girl in his room, and One has helped me to see that. But I have grown tired of power struggles; they give me headaches, so now I let them do whatever they want as long as they leave me alone.
Well it’s not all about sex.
I’ve decided to start writing again. Not sure what to write about but just kind of feel like writing again. I guess writing is a way to talk to my unconscious self. There is voice in my head that needs to be listened to. Now that I’ve decided to write again, what should I write about? I’ve been chatting with strangers on the net. Should I write about that? Should I write about him? Should I write about myself? Or should I write about philosophy?! The big questions. What are they?
I am not sure but I should just keep writing until I find out what I want to write about. Then I should be okay. Sometimes I think I think too much. There is nothing to be worried about. I mean, what difference would it make, worrying or not worrying? I’d probably die sooner from the stress of worrying. That being said, if I just do what I feel like, would my life be better?I think once I stop worrying, I know what I really want to do. And if I just do that, then I would get satisfaction from fulfilling my desire. I think life is not only about fulfilling desires, but what would a life be like without fulfilling desires?
I have been taking a walk to the beach almost every morning and it is very healing. I suspect myself to become depressed if I don’t see the ocean, though I didn’t think much about it in the beginning; I thought it was just good exercise. I take a photo of the ocean and the island nearby and I sit on the bench and just listen to one song from my playlist and then return home. Often I feel lost. Especially in the morning, I don’t know what to do with my time, and the day ahead can be a overwhelming dread. What should I do today? What do I want to do today? What do I need to do today?
The questions started bugging me in the back of my head and tried to remind me to be someone who knows how to take care of herself, someone who knows what to do with herself and to be responsible for her life. A big lie. The truth is I don’t know what to do with myself or my time. And why should I? Because I am an adult who has already lived half of her life and a mother of two teenagers? That’s just bullshit. I never know what to do with myself. One day as I sit and look at the vast blueness and seeing the colors changing by the sunlight and the clouds at every moment, I realized that the ocean really heals. It feels like my emotions, good or bad, are all absorbed by the ocean: all is forgiven. And I am reset.