week 37

“… Catch up.”

The phrase flashed through my mind when I was in the kitchen doing the washing up this evening, although I didn’t understand what it meant exactly. I was feeling depressed this past week waiting for my MC. Just didn’t feel like doing anything at all and the feeling seemed to go on endlessly. I have ongoing fatigue in both body and mind.

“Is that what I am supposed to do? Catch up?” I am taking only one philosophy class this sememster, but the more I get into it, the more everything becomes overwhelming. I feel like I can never know enough to be sure about anything. It feels like there is always more to know.

Catch up.  Then I remembered that was what the writing teacher told me when I arrived to the classroom late one day (about 10 minutes).

I took the class last fall. Upon my arrival, the class was playing a game to mix and match quotations by famous people. I didn’t know what they were doing, and the teacher told me, “I guess you just have to play catch up.”

It made me think that maybe I needed to play catch up in general. Maybe because I am a returning student who is 40 years old. Then I realize that I didn’t think of going back to school as anything like that. I mean, I just thought I wanted to study because I am still interested in the subject. But the idea of catching up sounds like I have to match to a certain standard or someone else’s expectation.

Now I understand why the idea of catching up makes me uncomfortable because it implies that I need to match up to someone else’s expectation.  But I don’t really care what other people think about my work. I think if I am happy with it, it’s all that matters. I am not coming back to school to study for anyone else’s sake but my own.

I am doing this for myself. I am not doing this for my parents, not for my kids, not to prove my competence, not for my pride, but for myself. I don’t even think I want to get my degree, although it’s a useful thing. This is what I want to do, school, or education that would help me to define and refine my thinking. This intention should be present in my work. Even if it doesn’t, it’s okay because I know I would’ve tried.

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