week 2/2018

K’s grandmother passed away on December 23rd, 2017, the day of our arrival in Japan. I went to Taipei with the kids on December 26th to 28th, went shopping with K in Kyoto and Umeda after we returned to Osaka; returned to Hawaii on January 5th, went to the doctor on the 11th, contacted the travel agent and our next trip to Osaka in March is already booked.

During my trip, I contacted Jim after all it’s said and done. I guess it’s finally over between us now. It was painful for me to see what happened and relive the experience which I had forgotten. I was young and vulnerable back in high school, but I survived and it’s all that matters. I imagined what would happen if I was not married and if I were to get back with him, but I only see that nothing will change in the end, just like what happened between me and G.

Relationships are like science: the trick is to know enough so you know when to say no.

And I am tired of stories. Tired of hearing people’s voices. Justice is what we want after all; we just don’t want to admit it depending on which is to our advantage, and in that sense the truth is always manipulated. Nevertheless, we all have a need to tell the truth, perhaps to make ourselves feel better, like what G said, and perhaps, I have run into self-doubt again, so I started to tell myself that the truth doesn’t matter because it’s only self-justification.

Yeah, the need to tell the truth is why I am writing. (Besides the need to release tension from my sex deprivation.)

Last night I had a dream of me getting an F for the writing class. I guess I am really scared of being judged, although I know by now that a writer needs to put her work out there because it’s what writers do: put yourself out there and be judged whether you like it or not because the whole writing thing is one giant learning process.

Remembering my dream, I quickly went online, and was unable able to believe what I saw at first–I got an A. I bursted into tears soon after I checked it again, thinking the teacher was too kind and how little confidence I have. As much as I thought I was indifferent to grades, the tiny letter does give me the encouragement to keep writing. It seemed to whisper in my ear: don’t give up just yet!

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