week 50/2017

Sometimes I don’t know what to do with the kids. They can be very stubborn and I feel I am not manipulative so I can’t get them to do what I think is good for them. I wanted to take them to a restaurant that’s a little far from home we rarely go, so they won’t eat the same type of food over and over again.

E wouldn’t listen to me and go to the restaurant and it made me angry. Then M refused to go altogether. Their rejections to my proposal made me think they didn’t appreciate what I tried to do for them.

I noticed that I almost always get angry about things like that, especially on the weekends. It’s pretty stupid to have our free time turn into a disaster when we have free time to ourselves. Although they just want to stay home and enjoy the peaceful time playing games and do nothin much, I can’t help to want to take them to a park or the beach. I understand that they are not the outdoor type (neither am I) and I know they are at the age when they’d prefer to go out with friends, but still I get stressed out from tying to get them out of the house.

Now I realize that it’s not worth it when I blame myself not being a good mother when they cannot see what’s actually good for them. I have done my part by asking them, but if they don’t want to go out, so let them be. The only problem is me who can’t help but feel sorry for them because they are my children. Perhaps they will know one day. Perhaps they will never know. But either way I don’t want to push them to do it. They just need what they want, not what I think they would like—maybe that’s the reality I have to learn to accept.

After I got angry about the kids, I went out and ate at the restaurant I wanted to take them to and after that I tried to find a place to read and write. But I had no luck: the shopping center was full of people everywhere and all the cafes were packed with tired faces. Exhausted, I returned home regretting I could have used the two hours in traffic to read as I started the washer overloaded with laundry. I finally found my peace as I started typing while sitting in my small room: maybe the kids were right not wanting to go out today after all.

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