week 2/2018

K’s grandmother passed away on December 23rd, 2017, the day of our arrival in Japan. I went to Taipei with the kids on December 26th to 28th, went shopping with K in Kyoto and Umeda after we returned to Osaka; returned to Hawaii on January 5th, went to the doctor on the 11th, contacted the travel agent and our next trip to Osaka in March is already booked.

During my trip, I contacted Jim after all it’s said and done. I guess it’s finally over between us now. It was painful for me to see what happened and relive the experience which I had forgotten. I was young and vulnerable back in high school, but I survived and it’s all that matters. I imagined what would happen if I was not married and if I were to get back with him, but I only see that nothing will change in the end, just like what happened between me and G.

Relationships are like science: the trick is to know enough so you know when to say no.

And I am tired of stories. Tired of hearing people’s voices. Justice is what we want after all; we just don’t want to admit it depending on which is to our advantage, and in that sense the truth is always manipulated. Nevertheless, we all have a need to tell the truth, perhaps to make ourselves feel better, like what G said, and perhaps, I have run into self-doubt again, so I started to tell myself that the truth doesn’t matter because it’s only self-justification.

Yeah, the need to tell the truth is why I am writing. (Besides the need to release tension from my sex deprivation.)

Last night I had a dream of me getting an F for the writing class. I guess I am really scared of being judged, although I know by now that a writer needs to put her work out there because it’s what writers do: put yourself out there and be judged whether you like it or not because the whole writing thing is one giant learning process.

Remembering my dream, I quickly went online, and was unable able to believe what I saw at first–I got an A. I bursted into tears soon after I checked it again, thinking the teacher was too kind and how little confidence I have. As much as I thought I was indifferent to grades, the tiny letter does give me the encouragement to keep writing. It seemed to whisper in my ear: don’t give up just yet!

week 50/2017

Sometimes I don’t know what to do with the kids. They can be very stubborn and I feel I am not manipulative so I can’t get them to do what I think is good for them. I wanted to take them to a restaurant that’s a little far from home we rarely go, so they won’t eat the same type of food over and over again.

E wouldn’t listen to me and go to the restaurant and it made me angry. Then M refused to go altogether. Their rejections to my proposal made me think they didn’t appreciate what I tried to do for them.

I noticed that I almost always get angry about things like that, especially on the weekends. It’s pretty stupid to have our free time turn into a disaster when we have free time to ourselves. Although they just want to stay home and enjoy the peaceful time playing games and do nothin much, I can’t help to want to take them to a park or the beach. I understand that they are not the outdoor type (neither am I) and I know they are at the age when they’d prefer to go out with friends, but still I get stressed out from tying to get them out of the house.

Now I realize that it’s not worth it when I blame myself not being a good mother when they cannot see what’s actually good for them. I have done my part by asking them, but if they don’t want to go out, so let them be. The only problem is me who can’t help but feel sorry for them because they are my children. Perhaps they will know one day. Perhaps they will never know. But either way I don’t want to push them to do it. They just need what they want, not what I think they would like—maybe that’s the reality I have to learn to accept.

After I got angry about the kids, I went out and ate at the restaurant I wanted to take them to and after that I tried to find a place to read and write. But I had no luck: the shopping center was full of people everywhere and all the cafes were packed with tired faces. Exhausted, I returned home regretting I could have used the two hours in traffic to read as I started the washer overloaded with laundry. I finally found my peace as I started typing while sitting in my small room: maybe the kids were right not wanting to go out today after all.