#81

I actually wondered if I am doing all these seemingly intellectual kinds of study because I want admiration from intelligent-looking males. But I realised I was interested in the subjects before I met those men. I only have the desire to understand.

This is what I get so far: “I am human; therefore, I do all these meaningless things. Then I try to make meaning for the meaningless things I do.” But that sounds too negative, so let’s forget what I said. How about “My life has meaning and everything is a miracle.”?

I just think I feel the most comfortable in a philosophy seminar. I am interested in it enough to be enthusiastic about it.

Life is not that complicated. Nothing is complicated if one knows what people want. The character’s desire is what creates the story.

What do I want? Sometimes I want to be a published author, but sometimes I am happy just to write. Sometimes I am happy just to read and think. The fact is, I don’t know what I want. I remember a stylist at a salon in Chinatown told me something like, “You have to know what you want!” Not that I want to, but I think I have a talent to frustrate people.

#80

I don’t know what to do. I just feel so upset when they don’t keep their promises. Then I thought about the word “should”.

Should I stop being who I am? Should I be realistic and study Japanese instead of philosophy and German? Should I try to be a good housewife? Should I be more feminine? Should I lie about how I feel?

Most people don’t change their way of doing things. They tell themselves, “This is me, and I don’t have to change myself because I can’t, so I won’t.” To change myself means I need to work and have the pressure to reach a goal. Change seems so hard: I guess that’s why I am still here, writing about my incompetence and letting people laugh at me.

I remember when I was a high school student, I was lying on my bed, thinking, “I don’t get up if I don’t need to get up, therefore, I only act according to my need.” I was using my body as an experiment. I always do.

#79

I have to learn to think for myself. I need to process the info by myself first, otherwise I won’t have a point to start questioning.

T came to our lesson too. I felt nervous, but so did everyone else. Why did we feel nervous anyway? Because T was an authority figure? Or because we didn’t know him that well? Or because he was a man? I don’t know exactly why, but I finished earlier than usual.

ISTJ logic is wishful thinking because it decides the process from the outcome. Does it make sense to say that Hobbes believed in God and nothing at the same time? If Hobbes’s logic is that anything that is an immaterial being is nothing, and God is an immaterial being, then the logic implies God is nothing. To say a person who believes in God believes in nothing is a contradiction beyond comprehension. But if quantum mechanics truly exists, then paradoxes exist — one only needs to look at something with a different perspective.

Is it true that everything and everyone is connected? Perhaps such a theory will explain how we wish to picture the world, because it’ll be more understandable, as we prefer to see the connections. I don’t know about the connections, but I hope someday science will show a complete picture of how energy is the underlying source of everything.

#78

Does it really make sense to say Hobbes was religious only because he wrote half of his book about having faith in God? I don’t think so. I also don’t think R’s girlfriend should come if she is disinterested in philosophy.

I really need to get rid of the things I don’t use in my place. It’s better for me if I get rid of them because it will help me to have clarity.

Today E played Super Mario with the Wii-U he bought yesterday. He was happy. I was late cooking dinner because I was preparing for the lesson.

#77

Have I played a trick on myself? I feel like I need to get out of here before it’s too late. If I write, exercise, and do the housework, do I still need to study philosophy?

After all, I don’t know why I am trying to read Kant. Moreover, I don’t need to study German.

#76

I was very flattered when E said that the last meal he would like to have is my gyoza.

It seems so unreal that we are going to talk about what’s not related to the earthquake in the seminar. I mean, people’s lives are in danger, and here we are, reading about man against man on Hobbes. When it’s man against nature, nature always wins, which implies man against man is the only problem.

Writers are proud, otherwise we won’t be able to show our writing to the world. If we think our writing is bad, why would we show it to embarrass ourselves? Or perhaps the point is exactly the opposite: we need to embarrass ourselves to be more humble. A writer might not be able to show himself in real life, but his words always give him away.

This journal IS helping. I am starting to get an idea of what kind of a story I want to write about.

#75

Writing the 75th piece of my journal entry makes me a little nervous because it’s supposed to be better than the first one.

It seems like R and I cannot disconnect. Last time he told me that he lost his interest in philosophy, but now he says that perhaps some questions should be left to philosophers because science cannot know the answer to everything, and he appears enthusiastic.

Once our conversation starts, it goes on and on. Why do I ask questions? Because I have questions to ask. Why does he answer them? Because most of the time he has the answers. It’s a simple give-and-take relationship. The only problem is we are of different sex, and if things go wrong, I mean, if we develop some kind of relationship other than friends or a teacher-student one, it may not look too pretty.

At least I know my pattern now: I always throw myself at him when I feel the most confident. When I feel confident about my writing, I think I can do whatever I want because it’s all about my art, and I start to do what I did before. It’s a self-destructive behaviour pattern.

I have no idea what R thinks about me at all, but I guess he cannot help himself when it comes to helping me, because philosophy is his speciality.

If I let myself be a writer, I won’t be afraid of anything. Being a sincere writer is a way to live freely, yet, like everyone else, a writer needs to be responsible for her own actions.

#74

Even if Hobbes was a religious person, who said that God is an immaterial being that is the cause of everything, Hobbes’s argument doesn’t give validity to God as a cause, but uses God to validate the argument.

Even if Hobbes couldn’t explain why God exists, he can still be a faithful believer. It’s possible that Hobbes was struggling to believe in something without proof of existence. However, when Hobbes said it’s a natural condition for man to believe in God, it shows at least he “knows” he is only believing in God because he is a man, not because God exists.

#73

I got confused about whether Hobbes was religious or not, so I asked the question to the philosophy group. J was quick to answer my question with a reference. The reference made sense to me with a fast glance. I felt the same way about Hobbes’s writing with the author: Hobbes seemed to say that God doesn’t exist, but he used God to explain causes.

R also responded fast to me, to eliminate trouble. I know why R didn’t want to discuss Hobbes being religious or not: he doesn’t want the topic to drift from his argument. I think R and I are kind of alike because I can see how he structures the seminar to fit his purpose, while I structure my story.

What “I think” I should do with my time might not be the right answer to the question “What should I do with my time?” If I were to reduce my life to one sentence, what would it be? I want my life to stand for something, even if it’s something like, ” A housewife who tried to write well.”