#80

I don’t know what to do. I just feel so upset when they don’t keep their promises. Then I thought about the word “should”.

Should I stop being who I am? Should I be realistic and study Japanese instead of philosophy and German? Should I try to be a good housewife? Should I be more feminine? Should I lie about how I feel?

Most people don’t change their way of doing things. They tell themselves, “This is me, and I don’t have to change myself because I can’t, so I won’t.” To change myself means I need to work and have the pressure to reach a goal. Change seems so hard: I guess that’s why I am still here, writing about my incompetence and letting people laugh at me.

I remember when I was a high school student, I was lying on my bed, thinking, “I don’t get up if I don’t need to get up, therefore, I only act according to my need.” I was using my body as an experiment. I always do.

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