“Why do I have to follow the rules you make?” E asked. I explained to him that we all need to do our part to survive and to live well. E’s question reminded me of S. S once asked me, ”Why do I have to follow what you decide to be the rule?”

If a decision is made from a consequence-based (practicality) reasoning (such as if E doesn’t go to school, he won’t be able to survive in the world), then the decision of not going to school can also be justified because it’s possible for someone to survive in the world without any education. If a decision is based on morality or social obligation, then the rule is still uncertain because everyone has different feelings of moral obligation.

It’s a very challenging question. Freedom does not come easy, we are supported by many people to be able to live in an environment like this. People in India don’t have clean water to live with. “Why not?” he asked. Maybe it’s because they believe in a system where clean water doesn’t matter, or that’s how I imagined.

I just want him to understand that what we have doesn’t come from nothing, and we are very lucky. With this knowledge, he can choose what to do with his life, when there are also laws created to ensure fairness for everyone to preserve his/her right to equality.

What is necessary for the self and the society to grow? Maybe the question is a goal oriented problem. The question is not entirely based on morality, nor is it based on utility, but about the “direction” of living. It is the goal of all humanity to live well in the sense of being a better human, so a possible answer might be based on the goal. So, what does being a better human means?

Today I watched the movie “Finding Forrester”. The movie is about a talented young writer’s friendship with an old writer who had given up human relationship.

When I saw the main character holding his notebooks, I was very moved, because I use the same size notebooks too.

The old writer says, “The first draft, write with you heart. The second draft, write with your head.” Writing for oneself is better than writing for someone else. Writing is wasted when it goes unread. The old writer quit writing for the public because he was disappointed when he saw how his readers place his writing above human life.  I definitely got many tips from the movie.

I like the scene where the main character and his mother and older brother ate dinner. And I like the old man’s habit of cleaning windows.

Recently I have developed the habit of wearing only a glove on my right hand when I do the washing-up because I think it will train my left hand to be more reflexive.

If I practice the piano all day, I won’t have much experience to write about because my mind will be all about the practice, I suppose? Is it a solution to my inclination to live in my mind? There is no end to my thinking. If life is basically meaningless, practicing the piano all day might be a better choice because then I won’t waste my time thinking about nothing.

Write, edit, post. I know how the writing process works now. I just need to keep on working. Why do I need to write 800 words everyday? I forget how I did the calculation, but I guess my calculation that will give me enough words to write a book.

P helped me to clean our place before everyone came over for the handbell practice. I was angry when he complained that I was too slow to prepare as I was busily doing laundry; I told him to get out. He cleaned the place, and then he got out. Then I asked him to buy lunch for us which he did. He was being cooperative and actually saved my ass. I thanked him later even though I was really pissed off in the morning.

My emotion always tells me something about my real intent, just as there is always a logic behind my emotion, whether for a good or poor reason.

After M returned home one hour later as he promised, E was making a scene and refused to go out. As I questioned them, M said he “pushed” E away, whereas E said M hit him. P started to ask M questions, and ended up accusing M to be the source of the fight.
When I told P that he was only framing M for his own purpose, he got angry and threw something at me, and blamed me for not letting him wait in the car. “So you don’t think you should be here whenever we have a problem like this?” I vehemently said.

Although I tried my best to listen, I failed to be fair this time by not putting everything into perspective. I had this suspicion of E exaggerating M’s push, and thought M wouldn’t hit E because he is a good kid, but the truth is M did push E hard. Perhaps E’s pressuring M to apologise made him feel ashamed of himself for being late, after all, M is the one who is usually on time, while E is usually late. My experiences produced a bias that made me lose my objectivity in this incident.

Writing is my way to fight self-doubt.

I was actually 15 minutes early for the recruiting seminar of a language school today. Unbelievable. 

After the seminar in Umeda, I went to see a Japanese tableware and pottery exhibition just because I noticed it was held in a department store nearby and I have been taking table-making lessons. Then I went to Nishinomiya Kitaguchi. I haven’t been to the shopping center in Kitaguchi for a long time. I bought a cardigan that matches my dresses.

The seminar tutor asked us, “What is the one thing that you can do that no one else can?”

What is the one thing I can do with all my circumstances in life? Can I write about my reflections on life? Can I teach Chinese with English?  What is the one thing I can do that nobody else can? Is there anything else I can do other than disciplining my kids, or writing about my experiences?

It’s 21:21. I don’t feel respected because the kids are not keeping their promise to quit playing the game. I am angry because they are not supposed to play after 20:30. Now I know I can be angry, and I can also write about me being angry, and I can do those two things that no one else can!

I still don’t know if I really want to teach kids English. I don’t think it should be a problem, but I just don’t know. It’ll be cool to be able to teach a subject like philosophy because my college professor Dr. R was cool, but it’s too big a dream for me. I think I should focus on what I can do now and do it well.

The English conversation class for adults was full-house today. Being a student, I actually like a full class because then I don’t need to talk much. If there are fewer people in class, we will have to expand on our response which just kills me.

Anyway, the sentence today was “I’ve been putting off (A) because (B).” “I’ve been putting off reading Critique of Pure Reason because it’s in German.” was one of the sentences I made.

My sentence suddenly made sense to me. “Hey, if that’s the reason why I put the reading off, then why don’t I just buy the one in English?” So I bought the book with the English translation online after lunch.  I also remembered R telling me there is no need to translate the book.

I am glad that I bought the book asap because if I didn’t do it soon, I would forget about it soon.  It’s the same with housekeeping, and things always get messier when I pick it up again.  

A female astronaut I saw from the news is one year younger than me. I don’t want to be an astronaut, but I think it’s cool to be one, so I felt a little jealous. I don’t have any achievements that I am proud of–except my kids love me, but I can still try to make the best out of my limited ability.

Since it’s hard for me to find time to edit during the day, I plan to keep the writing precise and simple, and perhaps short writing will make less stress on a reader, too.

Writing is good, but what will I do to support myself? S once said that, “There is no infinite gold in a goldmine.” Financial security is a necessity for living independently. I’d better get a normal job because I will turn 38 this year.

It was easy to make bento for M this morning because I know what I wanted to make: boiled broccoli, sliced tomato, boiled egg, fried chicken bought from a store last night, and rice balls — the regular menu.

What is my truth? The picture with the pieces of my personal experiences organised with some insight will only touch people if it has some truth that they can relate to.

I read a short description about Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personalities on Pin Interest, and it says an ISFJ person would apologize for the existence of a puddle for no reason, while an INTP person would walk in the puddle carelessly, but analyse the puddle later, and so on.  [ http://pin.it/xi1xnRV ] The ISFJ personality matches my impression of Japanese people, and since I am an INTP person, I only relate to the introvert part of people.

Even though the introvert part makes me feel comfortable, the other parts don’t. I feel I am left to do my own thing, but somehow I can’t relate to the unspoken rule in the culture. I sense that there is this “silencing” during communication, or some kind of response to avoid a conflict when they don’t approve of your opinion. I guess people are free to say anything they want, but I hope whatever we say will be heard and responded to. A “silencer” could be anywhere, however; I just don’t want myself to become one.

After I went to E’s open school, I worked on my writing at Misdo (a donut shop) this afternoon. I was going to go grocery shopping, but I wanted a break. I didn’t know the store was so busy in the afternoon. I usually go home around 4pm after I buy the groceries.