#43

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E didn’t come as I was writing and waiting for him to read in bed. I was sleeping already when he finally came, so I shouted at him, “It’s too late!”

This morning, I was still angry at E about last night, but he made it look like it was my fault that he skipped school because he was upset by my anger. If E had kept his promise to take a shower at 21:00 last night, he would probably have read earlier, and since he didn’t keep his promise, everything happened then as a consequence.

Maybe E was afraid of my rejection because he knew he was wrong. I found his behavior irrational when I was dealing with him under pressure, even though I understand what happened now. On the other hand, I found teacher T to be overreacting about my decision in moving to another country without my husband. First of all, my private life is none of her business, but perhaps I gave her the wrong expression to let her think I wanted her opinion. I think her objection to my decision is not really about my obligation to stay with my husband for my family, but somehow relates to her feeling of betrayal.

Nevertheless, I have to be careful not to act in a way which I don’t respect. I should be careful to say only what I mean because if I don’t, I won’t make myself clear, and worse, I won’t be able to trust myself. If I can’t trust myself to do what I say, then I can’t trust others to do what they say either. If I can’t trust myself and others, then we won’t be able to build anything together.

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