Month: August 2016

#47

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Yesterday I skipped writing and it felt so weird. I want to write double today. Will I ever finish the story? I don’t know how my application for a part-time job at a clothing store will turn out, but I think I should stick to my writing. If I don’t write, I can’t keep my mind focused. When I imagine myself working at the shop, I only see myself daydreaming like a zombie. I hope someday I can make money from writing, but all this uncertainty about being a successful writer only serves to make me feel more insecure.

The only thing I am certain about is I don’t want to give up writing yet. But whom should I write for? Do I want to write for my mom? It’s hard because I worry what she’ll think about my writing. Maybe I should write for my friends because I cherish my friendships, even though I don’t know if they care about my writing or not. My kids??? Well, I guess I’ll just write for myself. If I enjoy my writing, someone else might too. If nobody else enjoys it, at least one person on planet earth would.

#46

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Nietzsche’s exclamation marks didn’t help me to read in the train when I was sleepy; they only made me more dizzy.

People are stressed out by conformity in this country. Human feeling decides what’s right and wrong, or the standard everyone should obey. When one doesn’t obey the group standard, one is looked down upon. They pay too much attention to status and respect.

A volunteer for the government talked about how it’s normal to be at a meeting 1 hour before the meeting time. I also heard that C didn’t take the money from her husband’s company when she could request it to pay for her trip to visit her husband. What a company here expects of its workers is so different in this system.

When I complained to P about the system with long working-hours, he said, “It can’t be helped.” I know it can’t be helped but even if it can’t be helped, it doesn’t make bad working conditions acceptable because one will eventually get sick under such working conditions.

P was rude when he didn’t finish my soup because I asked him specifically if he wanted any. He said, “I will drink just a little.”, so I gave him just a little soup, but even then he left half of the soup when the soup was totally drinkable! I couldn’t believe he wasted my soup like that so I told him, “You can go die.” I wish he could’ve told me that he didn’t want any soup in the beginning, but I guess it’s not easy for him to say No.

#45

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Even though I have been always somehow keeping a journal, this is the first time I have been trying to write everyday. I don’t know what it will lead me, but I think I’ll just go with it.

The sentence we learned in the English lesson made me think how the companies in Japan are not treating their employees well. The teacher told us about Facebook’s 40,000 dollar baby bonus, when yesterday P just told me that T quit his job.

T is an excellent worker, and he worked at least 12 years in this well known automobile company. That doesn’t make sense to me because if a person is a good employee, he is supposed to enjoy working in a trustworthy company. A big company should be able to provide its employees with job satisfaction and security, but instead, this diligent worker was suffering from long term depression from his bullying manager.

T has a wife and 2 daughters to provide for. Maybe a big company cannot take care of its employees like a small-scaled company, but it’s definitely a big loss for the company to have a good worker quitting like this. I can’t wait to hear more about T’s story.

#44

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The sentence I made in English class today: The perk of studying English is communication to the world. But later I found out from my editor that the sentence should read: One of the perks of studying english is the ability to communicate with other people around the world. The teacher did’t correct my sentence!

My tears came to my eyes when I read the quote from the Jewish girl. I haven’t read her work, but I suppose she wrote a diary when she was in a concentration camp. Her quote says when she writes, she can shake off everything, and writing makes her strong. I feel the same way.

Being a procrastinator, life is hard because I get up and I have to do laundry. I have unfinished dishes in the sink. I have to get ready for the day, not knowing what I want out of it, although my sometimes dreadful life is nothing compared with life in a concentration camp.

If energy is what life is all about, I can be a person who transforms negative energy to positive energy. I will go out, have lessons and normal conversations with people, and eat, and keep writing. Sometimes a piece of writing is all one needs to empower herself to get through the hopelessness in life.

#43

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E didn’t come as I was writing and waiting for him to read in bed. I was sleeping already when he finally came, so I shouted at him, “It’s too late!”

This morning, I was still angry at E about last night, but he made it look like it was my fault that he skipped school because he was upset by my anger. If E had kept his promise to take a shower at 21:00 last night, he would probably have read earlier, and since he didn’t keep his promise, everything happened then as a consequence.

Maybe E was afraid of my rejection because he knew he was wrong. I found his behavior irrational when I was dealing with him under pressure, even though I understand what happened now. On the other hand, I found teacher T to be overreacting about my decision in moving to another country without my husband. First of all, my private life is none of her business, but perhaps I gave her the wrong expression to let her think I wanted her opinion. I think her objection to my decision is not really about my obligation to stay with my husband for my family, but somehow relates to her feeling of betrayal.

Nevertheless, I have to be careful not to act in a way which I don’t respect. I should be careful to say only what I mean because if I don’t, I won’t make myself clear, and worse, I won’t be able to trust myself. If I can’t trust myself to do what I say, then I can’t trust others to do what they say either. If I can’t trust myself and others, then we won’t be able to build anything together.

#42

T started to lecture me that I should pay attention and listen more to my kids. T told me to put the kids first and do what interests me when I have time between care taking, and it’s my job to establish the environment in which the kids feel comfortable enough to talk to me.

Her advice upset me, but the good thing about this experience was I was fighting back when she wrongfully accused me. I told her that I agree with her that communication and listening to my kids are very important, and I try my best to listen to them.

The progress I made today was the effort to express myself clearly in a foreign language. I think one of the important goals of learning a foreign language is to be able to defend yourself. I need to stand up for myself, because nobody will if I don’t.

I am dreaming that I am going to write something great, but all I write about is my life. There are no monsters, except maybe my fear. The more I write about my fear, the smaller it becomes. But what’s the point of writing a book? Why do I even want people to read my private thoughts? They are so boring. Even I don’t want to read my thoughts; I just need to get them out of my mind.

#41

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The movie “Magnolia” is one of my favourite movies because it talks about what love is all about. I like the scent of Magnolia too.

People want to empower themselves when they want something. I was thinking with the question “Does it empower me?” or “Do I feel empowered by the product?” when I went shopping.

“If you become close to R, you might hurt yourself because you seem to be attracted to him.” S told me. 4 years ago I asked R to help me study philosophy, and now I am finally able to make an appointment. It’s okay if I read a book and write a paper about it, but I need to know if my understanding is correct.

In order to avoid trouble, I can choose to live my life peacefully by not doing what I feel I need to do. It will be a good life, but it wouldn’t be my life. Does everything happen because it needs to happen?

As I was doing the laundry this morning, I imagined if Mozart would have produced great music because he heard music in his head, when writers hear words in their heads. Everyone hears something, I suppose. I guess the question is whether one has the need to make a note of it.

#40

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Beyond Good and Evil is not really my type of book. I don’t feel moved at all. What do I want to know from the book? He tried to express too many feelings and they are confusing for me, but I guess I should be patient.

M’s friend came to our home many times on weekdays, so I didn’t think it was necessary to have the friend over on weekends too. I told M that his friend can only stay for 30 minutes, M agreed, but M didn’t keep his promise.

I am upset because P didn’t care about what happened. I was the one who should take care of the kids and decide what to do, and all P cared about was keeping the image of a civilised family when he told me not to yell at M to tell him it’s time for his friend to go home. His response reminded me of how he doesn’t take me to his friends’ parties at college.

#39

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R’s philosophy seminars are okay, but the discussions are not very thorough. The discussions seemed to just started for me when they were about to end for the group. I asked R to see me for a philosophy lesson. I explained what I expected him to do to help and he said okay. The truth is, I just don’t have anyone else to discuss philosophy with.

Our survival instinct makes us look for something that will empower ourselves. P watches comedian shows because he identifies himself with the comedians; I read about INTP (Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving personality) because I identify myself as an INTP.

When I have a situation, I go with my intuition and then decide what’s the best thing I could do at the time. Eventually I find a pattern that works best for me, and I try to stick to it.

As in the law of motion states, a moving object will not stop when there is no force to stop it. I want to write well. I don’t know if I am an ambitious person, I just know that as I write more, I care about writing more. I feel like being a ball that’s put in motion, only it’s self-pushed.

#38

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I tried to read Jane Austen when I picked up “Mansfield Park” from my piles of books on the piano. I don’t know why I didn’t feel like reading her book even though I thought I should study the writing style from an established female (INTP) writer. But the pages and words didn’t interest me enough for me to even start reading.

When I realized that I didn’t want to read the book, I thought: why don’t I check out the title of the book I wrote on the bright yellow memo sticking on the 1st page? Somehow the book title reminded me of the head of philosophy department; I kind of remember that he looked smart to a fault, and a little bold.

I am getting tired of reading Nietzsche. I suppose Nietzsche’s message is a person’s emotion influences her actions greatly, and we are the kind of being that does whatever it takes for us to survive when we are ignorant of our emotions.

Maybe emotion is raw energy stronger than reason, but logic is necessary because it is a language that people need to use to understand the world. Without logic, there is no universal understanding possible. Reason is emotion expressed in logic.

It’s funny how trying to read Jane Austen led me to ordering the 11 volumes of “The History of Philosophy” by Copleston. I guess I intuitively knew 15 years ago that I don’t need to read her.