#21

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Writing a journal is a good way for me to think. I could just write whatever that comes to my mind. I don’t need to think about making up names or which POV to use. I just don’t know if my writing will be interesting for anyone else other than myself, but I guess any other person who finds my writing interesting should be someone who relates to my experience or thinking.

E played truant from school once again. He blamed me for not waking him up earlier this morning. I just ignored him. I simply don’t know what to do with him anymore, but I think he has to learn to be responsible for his own actions. I hid his gadgets, and then went out to write.

My interpretations are the mirror of my reality.  I want to understand emotions as a source of energy.  I want to understand how my emotions were created from my experiences, and how they affect me.

I am trying to focus on writing by not checking my phone. I have been sleeping too late recently, and it’s getting a hold of me. I have a lesson tomorrow and will visit kids during open school.

The teaching job at a language school is a good opportunity because it seems so much easier to get a job that I am offered, but maybe it’s only because I can’t find any other job.

I had a fight with S the other day, and the experience created a doubt in my opinion of S’s advice. If S is not a logical thinker, why should I take her advice seriously? She doesn’t think I should see R for help in my study of philosophy because I might become attracted to him.

But what about my desire to learn? I know it doesn’t make her opinion wrong even if she is not logical, but it feels as if a trap exists and she has “imagined” its existence because she fears the worst might happen. I saw this pattern of behavior by her thinking over and over again when I was with her.

So what could be the worst thing that might happen if I see R?

1. He’d fall in love with me and he hurts his reputation as a teacher and breaks his girlfriend’s heart

2. I’d fall in love with him and abandon my family and/or shame my family and myself

3. We’d fall in love with each other and shame everyone who trusted us

4. We’d fall in love with each other and keep it a secret and live in pain

5. We’d disagree with each other, and become enemy

6. Everything goes bad, and I end up with no family and friends, he ends up with no job

Now I know what the worst that might happen is, what about the possibility that we’d find each other attractive, but study Kant and learn from each other? I suddenly realized that I have been brainwashing myself with my fear: I want to read Kant and I need help from R, so why can’t I get his help with reading Kant? Life is too short. I sent a message to R asking if he can help me with my reading.

Today is a special day because I realized I enjoy writing 800 words a day. I finally managed to work in a systematic way with my writing, and I feel I have made progress because I actually started to like what I wrote. Maybe I have learned to accept myself a little.

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