S left today. I posted the message on FB: I will be very upset if someone does the washing-up for me when I tell her not. Friends started asking questions. She thought I didn’t want her to do the washing-up because I worry her hands will be dry, so she did it anyway because she “thinks” she understands my consideration. She interpreted my intention incorrectly, and I felt disrespected.
I need to be honest because it is who I am, but I guess I hurt S. I never meant to hurt her, but I think I need to make it clear that her action was unacceptable for me. I know when I speak my mind, I sometimes offend people, but it’s hard for me to not point out a logical inaccuracy.
Understanding is my goal. I want to understand: where does a certain emotion come from? For example, I was angry when S washed the dishes for me. Why was I angry? Because I told her not to do it many times and she did it anyway. It’s simple enough. But maybe I was angry because I felt she didn’t respect me, because I had told her many times not to do something.
S can’t understand my “No” really meant “No” because she said I do something for her when she tells me not to do it too. If I do something when she doesn’t want me to do it, why can’t she do something when I told her not to do it? It’s not fair on her, and she only wanted to help me. I see her point, and I can try not to do what she doesn’t want me to do when she tells me from now.
Our communication problem was caused partly from our experiences dealing with other people. She told me when people around her said “No” to her, they accepted it when she helped them anyway. They told her that they don’t want a present from her, but they accepted it. They told her that she doesn’t have to do the washing-up for them, but they were happy when she did it. She said it was difficult to tell because she doesn’t have experience living with me, so she couldn’t know if I really meant “No” when I said “No.”
Moreover, if I don’t wait for a person to complete her thought, and interrupt her when she talks, she cannot complete her thought. If she can’t complete her thought, she cannot express herself completely. If she can’t complete her thought completely, how can I understand her. If that’s how people communicate, what’s the point of talking?
S told me it is too difficult to reach a clear analysis or understanding about the decision of who should have done the washing-up. There is too much to put together to make the decision. However, I think she didn’t want to get to the bottom of the situation because she tries to avoid conflict. She values a harmonious relationship above all else. We have different personalities so we think differently, but that doesn’t mean no decision can be made, or no understanding can be reached.
In other words, if I don’t mean it when I say I don’t want something to be done, what’s the point of saying anything? I never wanted anyone to be a worm in my stomach; I don’t want her to understand me without me saying something explicitly. It’s the person who doesn’t listen, but is self serving, that caused all the misunderstanding, because the person is not willing to understand the other person, because she is only willing to keep interpreting things in her own way.
Everything can be explained, and emotions have causes too. Sometimes it’s hard to know, but something, somehow, produced the energy of emotion in a person. The person is a “generator” of her experience. A certain event makes the person feel something consciously or unconsciously, and the emotion will sooner or later become apparent, because the energy one receives eventually is transformed into something else.