The piano lesson went well today. I played better because my mind was clear. Before I got my mc, I couldn’t focus on anything, and couldn’t wait to get my mc. Now I got my mc, I feel I am ready to be active again. This afternoon I cooked lunch, washed the dishes, and then I took a nap. I couldn’t make it to the science seminar in the afternoon though. I didn’t want to stress myself out by scheduling two things at the same time. I could go, but I knew it’d be too much for me, and I was glad that I chose to rest before the dinner.

It was pouring when I went to the dinner this evening. I was late again, but I made it again. I had dinner with the ladies from a English conversation class organised by a local high school. I admired their ability to work and take care of their families. One lady talked about her job as an English teacher for students from 1st to 6 grade in an elementary school. Her English was perfect, so I asked her how she studied. She studied English by herself with lessons on TV by NHK before she started teaching. I thought teaching should be a good way to learn.

L told me I could learn how to teach if I take the job teaching kids English, but I can’t tell the language school that I might move to another country next year. I want to try teaching kids English because I am not good with business. I want a job that would help me to know more about society, and learn English, so I think teaching kids English is an opportunity for both.

I don’t think I am good with kids, but I don’t feel uncomfortable with them when I volunteered to read books at the school library. The kids weren’t as scary as I imagined them to be. On the other hand, maybe adults are more difficult for me to relate to. What does that say about me as an adult now?

One Chinese lesson per month does not give me much incentive to keep learning, although I enjoy teaching and making friends. I hope I can find another job that will keep me participate more in the real world, but at the same time, balance my need for writing. Sometimes it’s just timing. Another lady at the dinner said she started to work at her current job because the agent she registered at 10 years ago called her recently. Perhaps I should try to be more patient about finding another career.

As for studying German, I was thinking if I could write something in German in order to learn the language. Something like a diary. Or should I try to translate Kant? Maybe I can ask L to correct my grammar. Everyone’s preferable learning style is different, and I feel writing is a good way for me to learn a language.

They did a big jump-rope event at the elementary school. I didn’t join them, and just sat in the back and watched. I felt like my world is so far from the real world: my world is about reliving the past, and the real world is about jumping the rope.

The reason why I wrote a script about my experience is I want to remember it and understand it. I read a manual about how to write a script, and then I just wrote it. I needed comments, so I wrote it in Chinese to show it to my friends. I got some feedback from them, such as the details about what floor the characters are on, and the flashbacks. I think it was good to get comments.

The first person whom I showed my work to was R. He hated my story because he thinks there is no need to write about one’s mistakes, and he was honest to say that. I would appreciate a negative but honest comment so much more than a “look away” reaction. I mean, people don’t want to see ugly things. People wouldn’t take time to look at a beggar if they could look at a flower. That’s just how we are, and I don’t expect people to like my story because I know it’s not pretty., but I hoped to hear any kind of constructive criticism, anything other than “let’s forget that you’d ever showed something like this to me.”

Even though people who read my story might think my experience is a shame, I need to write the story for myself to see what had happened. My need to understand my experiences and see everything work in a coherent way might be a problem, but it’s also my source of creativity.

The professional writer whom I tried to get a comment from through my friend never returned anything. Was my work so bad that he wouldn’t care to give me any piece of advice? I felt disrespected, but there was nothing I could do.

My Japanese is broken, but I don’t have any other choice to show my work to a professional, so I translated the script into Japanese to show the story to the teacher at my writing workshop for children’s stories. The teacher at the workshop read it, corrected my grammar, and said, “Is there anything interesting you want to write about?” I was speechless, but I could also guess that she felt sorry for me after knowing my experience. I started to think I couldn’t have my work reviewed without empathy from the people I know.

It is hard to take the emotional burden from seeing another person’s dark side; I wouldn’t want to take it myself. It’s pretty arrogant to show someone your ugliness and expect them to be objective. I should have warned them at least.

After everything is said and done, I come back to my story again and again. I made gigantic progress for the story today by giving it a structure. I changed my thesis of the story so many times because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. “A person can get what she wants unconsciously.” is what I want to say with the story. This simple yet bizarre truth is what I felt to be what has happened to me.

Now I have figured out the structure for my old story, I will find the scenes which fit into the structure, and make a detailed outline. Then I will turn the outline into a screenplay. I am also working on my next project by writing a journal everyday. Hopefully, I will get a thesis for a new story. I just need to keep working until I get them done.

E wouldn’t go to the piano lesson first and kept the teacher waiting. I got so mad. M went to the lesson after he returned home later than the time he promised.

I left after our argument but I know I couldn’t go far because M was home. I didn’t know where I was going as I was driving with tears in my eyes. I bought some food, and then I returned home.

Later, we checked the notes we made for who should go to the lesson first, and we found out that E was right: M was supposed to go to the lesson first today. E didn’t go to the lesson instead of M to avoid the wait, and the teacher waited for 30 minutes instead. We need to write down some rules to avoid this from happening again, but E was being so stubborn.

I don’t want to force anyone to do anything, but I guess I do force people to do what I think is the best for them. I forced E to go to the lesson because I think it was only fair since M went to the lesson for him when he was late to come home. I forced S to buy food because I figured she wouldn’t have time to buy food later since she had to feed her baby. I forced M to take the lesson on Saturday because I don’t think he will have enough practice at home.

Even when I forced them, they didn’t do what I said. I can try to explain to them the cause and effect of their actions and force them to do something, but it won’t help them in the long run because they will have to learn from their own experiences.

For them, I was wrong because they couldn’t do what they pleased, or what they think was fair. So the teacher waited; I did the washing-up again (as I said I would) after S did the washing-up.

I shouldn’t waste my tears and time and energy on things like this; I have more important things to do. I just have to understand and accept the fact that sometimes, making efforts to do something for some people has its limitations. Everyone has their own reasons, and a person is responsibility for the action she chooses. To quote Newton, for every action, there is a reaction. If a person’s choices make her who she is, she needs to learn how to make choices she can be responsible for, at the right time.

Posting an outline for the first time about making a book to my blog was an interesting experience.

The idea of a beat sheet made me want to try writing a scene with a photo on my blog. I started to read a screenplay manual book I have, and then I found out about outlining from a screenwriting website. An outline looks very useful in writing a screenplay.

An outline has more detailed descriptions of each scene than a beat sheet has.
For example, a beat sheet writes:

1. N sees A at a supermarket. N cuts in line before A.

Whereas an outline writes:

INT. MARKET – NOON

N goes to the market. N sees A but ignores her.
N goes to the register.
A cuts in line and N says, “Hey, excuse me!”

A beat sheet is a simple way to arrange the story sequence, but an outline presents images more clearly. Like the writer from the outlining site says, he doesn’t need to refer to the outline when he starts to transform the outline into the actual screenplay, because he has “worked so hard to figure out every moment of the story that it feels real to me.”

Staying home all day to write and eating junk food are not good for my health. I didn’t even wash my face or change my clothes today. Am I obsessed with writing? I have to go to the kids’ school and read a book, and I always hope I could start preparing for things earlier than in the last minute.

Now that I have figured out the process of writing a screenplay, I just need to keep on working.

1. journal writing
2. thesis/topic
3. organize by story structure/beat sheet
4. write scenes under structure/outline
5. transform outline into screenplay form

After I have the images written with an outline, the last step will be to translate the common language into the screenplay language.

Today I didn’t make it to the English class, again. I need alone time! A lot of it. I have a piano lesson tomorrow, but I practiced a little so my panic is reduced. I don’t have time to read Kant yet. I will find time after writing becomes a routine.

Maybe I am trying to make sense of my writing. I have no idea why I am trying to write a screenplay; I just know that I like the screenplay language. It’s okay if I fail, but I will be happy to know at least I’ve tried. I will keep writing a journal, then hopefully, I will know what I want to say after I have studied my experiences. With a message in mind, I will reorganize the pieces of information, and reconstruct the material to deliver it effectively.

While P is in somewhere with no water for a shower, I am doing my best to calculate how many sentences I need to write a screenplay. Brilliant.

This morning, I rushed to the classroom, but the door was not open when I arrived. Ru and Yo were waiting outside and we wondered why Q didn’t come to open the door. Then H called K, and K came quickly. I went to get coffee downstairs at 7/11 while we were waiting. K told me that F told her that he wanted to come to our lesson, but he was sick and went to the hospital, so we worried about him a little.

My students surprised me because they bought and/or borrowed books on their own. They are all so hardworking, and everyone is good at something: Ru is good at intuiting what new words mean; Yo is good at listening and pronunciation; H is good at practicing and research. I learn so much from my students. They’ve always been so patient with me, and they give me so much support and encouragement.  

Teaching is the best way to learn. Now I know simplified Chinese characters which I didn’t know before. I also learned from my mistakes in Japanese when I was teaching. What more could I want? Should I go to the orientation for teaching kids English? I thought that maybe another teaching job would give me an opportunity to learn more, but I am not sure if I would like preparing for events such as Christmas and Halloween if a language school asks the teachers to. I am selfish with my time, and see no point in participating in activities I am not interested in.

Do I like what I write? I checked the blogger who gave me a like today. I don’t find her writing interesting, but her writing is similar to my writing.  Or I just don’t like to see a person write the same way I do. I started to follow her anyway because I thought it’s good to read other people’s writings.

The recital is coming up; I have to practice until I get it right. I want to work on the rewrite of my old script too, but when will I ever finish it?

S is going back to Taiwan tomorrow. I forgot to pay her the money for the dictionaries she bought me. I feel bad because I asked her to bring six dictionaries for my class, but I forgot to pay her!!! I feel so stupid and I hope she still has enough cash and will get home safely.

I don’t know why I feel I need to read Kant, but I just feel it’s okay to read him and fail than not to read him at all. I asked R to help me with a translation of Kant’s book yesterday, and he replied to my message this morning saying “You must be very ambitious!” What does that mean? Because I don’t feel I’m being ambitious. I just want to know how Kant did it, how he came up with the understanding that what we interpret in we see is not real unless it’s justified in a scientific system.

I will go to bed early today! Then I’ll know what I should do with my “ambition” tomorrow after I have a good night’s sleep. I know I have overextended myself, but I will not whine. I’ll just take my life one step at a time, and try to remember one irregular German verb a day.  I will tap dance it.

The three books I bought today were: a book about Mandarin used in Taiwan which Ru recommended, a German phrase book, and a book on photography. I like the photography book that talks about the basic stuff LB told me about.

Writing a journal is a good way for me to think. I could just write whatever that comes to my mind. I don’t need to think about making up names or which POV to use. I just don’t know if my writing will be interesting for anyone else other than myself, but I guess any other person who finds my writing interesting should be someone who relates to my experience or thinking.

E played truant from school once again. He blamed me for not waking him up earlier this morning. I just ignored him. I simply don’t know what to do with him anymore, but I think he has to learn to be responsible for his own actions. I hid his gadgets, and then went out to write.

My interpretations are the mirror of my reality.  I want to understand emotions as a source of energy.  I want to understand how my emotions were created from my experiences, and how they affect me.

I am trying to focus on writing by not checking my phone. I have been sleeping too late recently, and it’s getting a hold of me. I have a lesson tomorrow and will visit kids during open school.

The teaching job at a language school is a good opportunity because it seems so much easier to get a job that I am offered, but maybe it’s only because I can’t find any other job.

I had a fight with S the other day, and the experience created a doubt in my opinion of S’s advice. If S is not a logical thinker, why should I take her advice seriously? She doesn’t think I should see R for help in my study of philosophy because I might become attracted to him.

But what about my desire to learn? I know it doesn’t make her opinion wrong even if she is not logical, but it feels as if a trap exists and she has “imagined” its existence because she fears the worst might happen. I saw this pattern of behavior by her thinking over and over again when I was with her.

So what could be the worst thing that might happen if I see R?

1. He’d fall in love with me and he hurts his reputation as a teacher and breaks his girlfriend’s heart

2. I’d fall in love with him and abandon my family and/or shame my family and myself

3. We’d fall in love with each other and shame everyone who trusted us

4. We’d fall in love with each other and keep it a secret and live in pain

5. We’d disagree with each other, and become enemy

6. Everything goes bad, and I end up with no family and friends, he ends up with no job

Now I know what the worst that might happen is, what about the possibility that we’d find each other attractive, but study Kant and learn from each other? I suddenly realized that I have been brainwashing myself with my fear: I want to read Kant and I need help from R, so why can’t I get his help with reading Kant? Life is too short. I sent a message to R asking if he can help me with my reading.

Today is a special day because I realized I enjoy writing 800 words a day. I finally managed to work in a systematic way with my writing, and I feel I have made progress because I actually started to like what I wrote. Maybe I have learned to accept myself a little.

S left today. I posted the message on FB: I will be very upset if someone does the washing-up for me when I tell her not. Friends started asking questions. She thought I didn’t want her to do the washing-up because I worry her hands will be dry, so she did it anyway because she “thinks” she understands my consideration. She interpreted my intention incorrectly, and I felt disrespected.

I need to be honest because it is who I am, but I guess I hurt S. I never meant to hurt her, but I think I need to make it clear that her action was unacceptable for me. I know when I speak my mind, I sometimes offend people, but it’s hard for me to not point out a logical inaccuracy.

Understanding is my goal. I want to understand: where does a certain emotion come from? For example, I was angry when S washed the dishes for me. Why was I angry? Because I told her not to do it many times and she did it anyway. It’s simple enough. But maybe I was angry because I felt she didn’t respect me, because I had told her many times not to do something.

S can’t understand my “No” really meant “No” because she said I do something for her when she tells me not to do it too. If I do something when she doesn’t want me to do it, why can’t she do something when I told her not to do it? It’s not fair on her, and she only wanted to help me. I see her point, and I can try not to do what she doesn’t want me to do when she tells me from now.

Our communication problem was caused partly from our experiences dealing with other people. She told me when people around her said “No” to her, they accepted it when she helped them anyway. They told her that they don’t want a present from her, but they accepted it. They told her that she doesn’t have to do the washing-up for them, but they were happy when she did it. She said it was difficult to tell because she doesn’t have experience living with me, so she couldn’t know if I really meant “No” when I said “No.”

Moreover, if I don’t wait for a person to complete her thought, and interrupt her when she talks, she cannot complete her thought. If she can’t complete her thought, she cannot express herself completely. If she can’t complete her thought completely, how can I understand her. If that’s how people communicate, what’s the point of talking?

S told me it is too difficult to reach a clear analysis or understanding about the decision of who should have done the washing-up. There is too much to put together to make the decision. However, I think she didn’t want to get to the bottom of the situation because she tries to avoid conflict. She values a harmonious relationship above all else. We have different personalities so we think differently, but that doesn’t mean no decision can be made, or no understanding can be reached.

In other words, if I don’t mean it when I say I don’t want something to be done, what’s the point of saying anything? I never wanted anyone to be a worm in my stomach; I don’t want her to understand me without me saying something explicitly. It’s the person who doesn’t listen, but is self serving, that caused all the misunderstanding, because the person is not willing to understand the other person, because she is only willing to keep interpreting things in her own way.

Everything can be explained, and emotions have causes too. Sometimes it’s hard to know, but something, somehow, produced the energy of emotion in a person. The person is a “generator” of her experience. A certain event makes the person feel something consciously or unconsciously, and the emotion will sooner or later become apparent, because the energy one receives eventually is transformed into something else.