#19

B is sick, so I made carrot juice for her. I feel she was depressed by many things, but I just don’t know how to help her if she won’t let me. She is too proud, and this characteristic is both her strength and her weakness.

Yesterday I got into an argument with S over the washing-up.  S helped me to wash my piles of dishes despite my telling her that I would do them myself. But she helped me to wash them anyway, and it made me very upset because I had specifically told her not to wash them. “You are busy taking care of us and your parents, so I can’t just leave the dishes there!” S said. I understood her good-intention, but I feel disrespected when she doesn’t take my words seriously. She explained how she feels the situation needs to be handled, and there is little I can say to change her mind. 

“It’s not fair to other people when you decide things on your own accord!” S said. “Your way of communicating is not going to help people because it’s not open to debate!” I told S.  I realized we were both spontaneous decision makers, deciding to do what we saw fit at the moment, and we didn’t want to make a compromise. After our argument, S explained that if she had known about the rule and the consequences for breaking it, she would not have tried to help.

“But how would I know you would not listen to me when I told you not to do something?!” I replied, almost finding her idea ridiculous. I understand S tries to prevent trouble by being fully prepared, but if there is a trouble that our friendship cannot cope with, what does it say about our friendship?

But I am glad I don’t live with her. We think too differently, so we do things too differently, and it would be impossible to solve all the problems we have if we lived together. Now I understand what the phrase “irreconcilable differences” means which the divorced couples use to explain why their marriages are unworkable; then I remember the quote from “Bridget Jones’s Diary” : “But it’s not good enough for me.”

I warned S that if she did the dishes when I had asked her specifically not to, I would lose my temper. This is the new deal I made with S; this experience should help us to have a better understanding of each other.

When I want my logic to be understood, I remember R. Yesterday I managed to go to the German lesson after all. The language school called at the end of the lesson; I saw R and kind of said bye to him. I don’t know what it is between us, but I have given up the hope to find out.

P went to India today. I kind of miss him already, but when we are together he seems to be the last person I would miss. P is logical, but he is indifferent. It’s bad enough that P doesn’t take me seriously, but what’s worse is he’d rather listen to society’s norms.

So exhausted… Eyes too heavy. I am very shattered now, but I thought I should write because I felt uncomfortable when I skipped writing yesterday.

I wonder if I should go to the recruiting orientation at the language school. I am probably not going to be in Japan a year later, but I still want to get a job, and the language school seems to be the only possibility for me.

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